She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
