On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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