They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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