well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
