bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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