You just made me feel so damn special
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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