If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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