You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i think my cat just said my name.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
