best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That's how pantless uber rides happen
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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