Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
