The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My vagina just recognized that song.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
