so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
