Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
