his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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