11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
