Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
