That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize