i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
