I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
