Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
