just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
