Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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