My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
