Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
