This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
