Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize