You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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