i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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