apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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