im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
