I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
either way he was missing a nipple.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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