his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
bring money and cleavage
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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