someone threw a dead crab at me
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize