I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
