New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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