I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So many bounce houses so little time
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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