I heard we made out
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
