I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
