wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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