Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
