U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
