By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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