Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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