Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize