I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
