Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
