marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
