I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
