I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
