Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize