Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
