I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
