On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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