he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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