Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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