Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
