Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
