The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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