I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
