You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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