You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize