Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
