sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
