I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
