I think i sorta joined a cult last night
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
