i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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