my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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