Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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