john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
