i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
